Abuse

Of all the topics I'm going to address on this blog, this one is the hardest for me.  As I've read and pondered this subject, I've been heartsick for all those who suffer from this often hidden tragedy.  Abuse is definitely a somber topic, but the leaders of the Mormon church have been outspoken in addressing the issue.  They define it this way:  "Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others.  It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt and fear" (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1995, p.1).

Abuse comes in many forms and severities, but the most common forms are physical, psychological/emotional and sexual.  These types of abuse are seen in children as well as adults, and the perpetrators can be female or male.  Neglect is also a devastating form of abuse that is most common in small children.

This is how the LDS church defines child abuse:  "Physical abuse occurs when an individual, in most cases an adult, causes bodily harm to a child. Child abuse in the form of neglect includes failure to provide for the basic nutritional, clothing, housing, medical, and educational needs of a child. Neglect includes leaving a child for extended periods of time without adequate supervision.  Emotional abuse is treating a child in a way that attacks his or her emotional development and sense of worth. Examples include constant faultfinding, belittling, rejection, and withholding of love, support, and guidance.  Child sexual abuse is any lewd or sexual activity between a child of any age and an adult or a significantly older youth who is in a position of power, trust, or control. It includes the sexual exploitation of a child in pornographic materials."
(https://www.lds.org/manual/preventing-and-responding-to-child-abuse-helps-for-members?lang=eng)

I've read stories about Mormon leaders "covering up" allegations of abuse.  Why didn't the leaders help the victims?

There is absolutely nothing more contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ than abuse in all it's devilish forms.  The official handbook of the LDS church states: "The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse and neglect. Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline.  If leaders or teachers become aware of instances of abuse, they should counsel with the bishop."
(https://www.lds.org/handbook/handbook-2-administering-the-church/selected-church-policies/21.4#214)

Abuse victims are to be reassured that they are innocent and church leaders are responsible for arranging counseling for the victim as well as alerting the proper authorities when necessary.  Victims need not and should not keep quiet.  If at any time an LDS church leader has "covered up" an abusive act, they have gone completely against church policy that is clearly laid out in the official handbook.  If a ward leader has a question as to how to proceed in a certain situation, they are told to counsel immediately with their area leadership.

I think it is important to mention that individuals from all denominations make mistakes.  Unfortunately, even members of those organizations that are seeking to further the perfect message of Jesus Christ's gospel will make mistakes.  I am not personally aware of any situation where an abused victim was ignored or rejected as they sought help, but I am also not naive enough to believe it hasn't happened at some point.  All leaders in the LDS church are volunteers and none of them receive formal counseling training before they are called to their position.  We are all a bunch of imperfect people trying desperately to preach the perfect gospel.

Everyone seems to have a different opinion about what constitutes abuse.  How does the Mormon church define child abuse?

“But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matt. 18:1–6.)

In a fantastic talk titled "The Tongue of Angels", Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke about the psychological and emotional abuse of children: "We must be so careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don’t say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child’s view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child’s faith in us and their faith in God. Be constructive in your comments to a child—always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget—and to forgive."

Gordon B. Hinckley answered a question about the sexual abuse of children in this way:  "Sexual abuse of children on the part of fathers, or anyone else, has long been a cause for excommunication from the Church. No man who has been ordained to the priesthood of God can with impunity indulge in either spouse or child abuse. Such activity becomes an immediate repudiation of his right to hold and exercise the priesthood and to retain membership in the Church.  I am glad that there is a growing public awareness of this insidious evil. The exploitation of children, or the abuse of one’s spouse, for the satisfaction of sadistic desires is sin of the darkest hue."

In an April 1990 General Conference address, Thomas S. Monson addressed the physical abuse of children: "A physician revealed to me the large number of [abused] children who are brought to the emergency rooms of local hospitals in your city and mine. In many cases guilty parents provide fanciful accounts of the child falling from his high chair or stumbling over a toy and striking his head. Altogether too frequently it is discovered that the parent was the abuser and the innocent child the victim. Shame on the perpetrators of such vile deeds. God will hold such strictly accountable for their actions."

How does the Mormon church define abuse among intimate partners?

Gordon B. Hinckley:  "In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.  She is not your servant, your chattel, nor anything of the kind.  How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse. Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved, and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man.  Any man who engages in this practice is unworthy to hold a temple recommend.  I regret to say that I see too much of this ugly phenomenon. There are men who cuff their wives about, both verbally and physically. What a tragedy when a man demeans the mother of his children."
(https://www.lds.org/liahona/2002/07/personal-worthiness-to-exercise-the-priesthood?lang=eng)

In the same talk by Jeffrey R. Holland that I mentioned above, he spoke about abuse among intimate adults:  "Husbands, you have been entrusted with the most sacred gift God can give you—a wife, a daughter of God, the mother of your children who has voluntarily given herself to you for love and joyful companionship. Think of the kind things you said when you were courting, think of the blessings you have given with hands placed lovingly upon her head, think of yourself and of her as the god and goddess you both inherently are, and then reflect on other moments characterized by cold, caustic, unbridled words. Given the damage that can be done with our tongues, little wonder the Savior said, “Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” A husband who would never dream of striking his wife physically can break, if not her bones, then certainly her heart by the brutality of thoughtless or unkind speech. Physical abuse is uniformly and unequivocally condemned in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If it is possible to be more condemning than that, we speak even more vigorously against all forms of sexual abuse. Today, I speak against verbal and emotional abuse of anyone against anyone, but especially of husbands against wives. Brethren, these things ought not to be.

In that same spirit we speak to the sisters as well, for the sin of verbal abuse knows no gender. Wives, what of the unbridled tongue in your mouth, of the power for good or ill in your words? How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined. Sisters, there is no place in that magnificent spirit of yours for acerbic or abrasive expression of any kind, including gossip or backbiting or catty remarks. Let it never be said of our home or our ward or our neighborhood that “the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity … [burning] among our members.”

I also highly recommend this article (https://www.lds.org/ensign/1999/10/a-conversation-on-spouse-abuse?lang=eng) that addresses many specific questions, such as:

• Some think spouse abuse includes only acts of a physical nature. Thus, how should the term be defined?
• What are some signs of spouse abuse that are not as obvious as bruises or other physical marks?
• What are some reasons abuse occurs?
• How likely is it that abusers will change?
• What can be done to prevent abuse?

How can victims of abuse find healing within the LDS church?

In response to the question, "What kind of help can abuse victims receive from church leaders?", Anne L. Horton, an associate professor of social work at Brigham Young University and a licensed clinical social worker whose practice focuses on domestic abuse, replied, "The Church produces spiritually directed resources that bishops can share with people who may need them, for example, Preventing and Responding to Spouse Abuse (pamphlet, 1997). The bishop can put individuals in contact with therapists who have been identified as being responsible and trustworthy. If these individuals cannot afford to pay the entire cost of counseling, the bishop can help arrange for financial assistance."

When asked, "How can the gospel help those dealing with abuse?" Brent Bartholomew, an attorney experienced in representing abused spouses and children who is also a member of the LDS church stated: "The Savior’s Atonement encompasses all suffering, not only suffering for our sins but also suffering as a consequence of others’ sins. The pain of those who have been abused can be eliminated through the sanctifying power of the Atonement and the pure and perfect love of Christ. Sometimes this healing process occurs more slowly when a woman has difficulty developing a relationship with our Heavenly Father due to the inappropriate manner in which she has been treated by male figures in her life. But through divine help, she can eventually be healed from the consequences of her spouse’s sins of abuse."

Until his recent death, I always admired the gentle way in which Elder Richard G. Scott spoke.  He exuded love and compassion to everyone.  This article is extremely helpful in guiding abuse victims along the pathway of healing.  Rather than copying a quote, I strongly encourage you to watch this video.  Elder Scott has a remarkable way of bringing peace and understanding to difficult topics.