I'm not sure there are topics more fiercely debated than those of same-sex attraction and same-sex marriage. I've decided to address these topics in two separate posts, since they are really separate situations.
SSA has impacted many families and almost everyone is acquainted with a person who experiences SSA. To protect the privacy of those in my life that have feelings of SSA, I'm going to change the name of the female in the following story. I will call her Cathy.
Cathy is one of the most outgoing, kind, helpful, responsible, funny women I've ever known. She is also the biological mother of four children. Regardless of the activity or event her children are involved with, Cathy is on the front row. She loves being a mother and has a natural ability to nurture her children. As a teenager and young adult, Cathy enjoyed spending time with her friends - both male and female. She wasn't very interested in dating, although she did have the desire to be a mother someday. More than anything, she loved spending time with her roommates before they all found husbands and moved on with their lives. After cultivating a friendship with an LDS man she found compatible, it seemed logical for them to get married in the temple and begin a family. Cathy was concerned about the low level of physical attraction she felt toward her fiance, and she was very aware of the differences she saw in herself when compared to her head-over-heels-in-love, engaged friends. Although enjoying the companionship she had with her husband over the next several years, Cathy was also concerned about the sexual feelings she was experiencing. Rather than feeling a sexual drive toward her husband, she was drawn to the women she met at the gym. By the time she finally admitted these feelings to her husband, she had already begun a relationship with one of the females on her soccer team. Her husband was actually not surprised by the announcement, but was obviously very concerned about their future. They both worried about the children and didn't know how to move forward. Cathy broke off the relationship with the female and tried to once again give her full attention to the husband of her children, but at this point she was keenly aware of the attraction she felt toward those of her same gender. After many more years of trying to keep their marriage together, Cathy and her husband made the difficult decision to divorce. Despite their circumstances, I am incredibly impressed with the amount of respect Cathy and her ex-husband show each other. They still work as a team in raising their children and have managed to continue their friendship. Cathy is now in a committed relationship with a female, and her husband has since remarried. The most amazing part of their story is the fact that Cathy and her ex are raising their children in the LDS church because they BOTH have testimonies about the truthfulness of the restored gospel. Cathy is fully aware that her lifestyle is not in accordance with LDS doctrines, but she continues to cultivate her relationship with Jesus Christ and to support her children in their desires to be involved in the LDS church.
I love and appreciate Cathy for her friendship. This doesn't mean I agree with all of her life choices, but I think it's very important to remember that individuals who have SSA tendencies also have many other qualities. We all have many identities we take on, such as "mother," "daughter," "Christian," "teacher," or "Republican." Although we also take on the identity of our sexual orientation, we should remember that there are many aspects to a person. I will speak more about Cathy in my next post.
Can people who experience same-sex attraction remain in the Mormon church?
This is the LDS church's official stance: The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.
This means that ALL people, regardless of the challenges they experience, are welcomed as members of the LDS church as long as they live by the guidelines God has set. There are numerous stories of individuals who experience SSA being actively involved in the LDS church. Please watch some of the videos that are featured on the website www.mormonsandgays.org. I am amazed and uplifted at the courage they have in sharing their experiences.
This is a quote from www.mormonsandgays.org: "The Church’s approach to this issue stands apart from society in many ways. And that’s alright. Reasonable people can and do differ. From a public relations perspective it would be easier for the Church to simply accept homosexual behavior. That we cannot do, for God’s law is not ours to change. There is no change in the Church’s position of what is morally right. But what is changing — and what needs to change — is to help Church members respond sensitively and thoughtfully when they encounter same-sex attraction in their own families, among other Church members, or elsewhere."
Does the church advocate having those who experience SSA getting married to someone of the opposite gender?
No. In the past, some well-meaning church leaders may have advised some individuals struggling with SSA to get married to someone of the opposite gender in an effort to help them find fulfillment and happiness within the guidelines of the LDS church, but this is not the viewpoint of the church. When Gordon B. Hinckley was President of the church, he learned that some leaders were giving this advice, so he made the following statement: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.” The modern-day apostles and prophets have expressed concern for marriages where one spouse has joined the union as a solution to their SSA issues. There are times, however, when marriage has been an option for some who struggle with SSA. Referring to these situations, Elder Oaks has commented, "...persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate."
One such example of a person with SSA finding success in a marriage to someone of the opposite gender is Ty Mansfield, an active Latter-day Saint who shares his story in the video posted below.
If Mormon's believe homosexuality is a sin, do they also believe that homosexuality is a choice?
Basically, no one fully knows the root causes of same-sex attraction. Each experience is different. Scientists have tried to find a "root cause" of homosexuality for many years, but have still not managed to find any proof one way or the other. We simply don't understand why some people are attracted to their own gender while the majority of people are attracted to the opposite gender. What we do know as Latter-day Saints is this: same-gender attraction was not experienced in the pre-mortal world (the world we lived in before coming to Earth) and it will not be experienced in the after-life. Latter-day Saints recognize the enormous complexity of this matter. None of us has all the answers, but we firmly believe that attraction to those of the same sex is not a disease or illness. We must not judge anyone for the feelings they experience. Members of the Church who have same-sex attractions, but don’t act on them, can continue to enjoy full fellowship. Same-sex attraction itself is not a sin, but yielding to it is.
I want to close with a statement that can be found on www.mormonnewsroom.org: "The Church’s affirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman “neither constitutes nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.” On the contrary, many Church leaders have spoken clearly about the love and respect with which all people are to be treated. Former Church president Gordon B. Hinckley (1910-2008) told members who are attracted to the same sex: 'Our hearts reach out to [you]. We remember you before the Lord, we sympathize with you, we regard you as our brothers and sisters.' President Boyd K. Packer affirmed: 'We do not reject you. … We cannot reject you. … We will not reject you, because we love you.'"
There are many great resources that further discuss The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint's position on same-sex attraction. I recommend these three:
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/interview-oaks-wickman-same-gender-attraction
https://www.lds.org/manual/god-loveth-his-children/god-loveth-his-children?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/10/helping-those-who-struggle-with-same-gender-attraction?lang=eng&_r=1
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