Mormon Fun

Some people may think the title of this post is an oxymoron.  Can Mormons have actual fun?  I am an active member of the LDS church and I can attest that I have great fun in life!  I remember one day in high school when a guy asked my group of friends why we were always laughing and having fun.  This boy then half-jokingly said that maybe we were always high or drunk.  My friend, Tera, turned to him and said, "No way!  We have way too much fun on our own.  Why would we need to use alcohol as a crutch?"

I'm going to touch on a bunch of topics in this post.  I have been asked each one of these questions by friends or acquaintances, so maybe others have wondered about the answers as well.

Do Mormon men have multiple wives like on the TV show Sister Wives?

No, we do not practice polygamy. God has, at some points in time, commanded certain people to practice polygamy (think Abraham, Jacob, Moses, David, and Solomon) but monogamy is always the norm and polygamy the exception even during these times. It is true that certain early Latter-day Saints were called to practice plural marriage, but God commanded this practice to end in 1890 and any members still involved in polygamy are excommunicated.  Sometimes groups of people break away from the mainstream LDS church to form their own congregations.  These groups may claim to be Mormons, but you can be assured that no Mormons in good standing are involved with polygamy.

Here is some additional information about this topic: https://www.mormon.org/faq/practice-of-polygamy

Why don't Mormons drink alcohol or coffee?

Three years after the church was organized (1833), God gave a law of health to Joseph Smith (the first president of the church) that discouraged the use of tobacco, alcohol, coffee and tea.  These laws were termed The Word of Wisdom ( found HERE in the Doctrine and Covenants).  Since then, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have chosen to abstain from these substances.  Over time, science has confirmed that these substances are harmful to the body.  God promises both physical and spiritual blessings to those who follow these guidelines.

Can Mormons drink caffeinated sodas?

In August 2012, NBCNews did an hour-long production on Mormonism, where it was stated that Mormons do not drink caffeine.  A week later, the LDS Church came out with an official statement, saying “the church does not prohibit the use of caffeine” and that the faith’s health-code reference to “hot drinks” “does not go beyond (tea and coffee).” This does not mean that caffeine is healthy by any means, but it is not restricted for members of the LDS Church.

Why do Mormons wear strange underwear?

This is a common question.  Many faiths incorporate garments into their religious practice, from yarmulke-wearing Jews to habit-donning nuns, but temple garments (as we refer to them) seem to make Americans unusually curious—they're often referred to as "magic underwear" and said to have "magical" powers.  I have worn garments for almost 20 years and have not found them to have any magical powers yet!  They do, however, remind me of the covenants I have made with God.  I choose to wear them as an outward expression of an inner commitment.  This video gives a perfect explanation as to why garments are important to Mormons.

Can Mormons dance? 

Absolutely!  Someone asked me this question once, and I was a bit taken back.  The girl mentioned the 80's movie "Footloose" and thought the movie was portraying a Mormon town because she had heard Mormons couldn't dance.  Not only can Mormons dance, but some of the most famous dancers are Mormon!  Just google "famous Mormon dancers" and I think you will be surprised to see how many Mormons perform on dance TV shows, movies, and Broadway plays [sidenote:  The Book of Mormon Broadway Musical is NOT a production of the LDS church.  I've heard it's rather crude and makes fun of the Mormon religion, but our church leaders have not taken offense.  Instead they just remind all the patrons that the book is always better!].

Dancing is actually the favorite activity of both my daughters!  These pictures are from their dance competition just last weekend.

Why don't Mormons have a cross on their church if they consider themselves to be Christian?

I can understand why this is confusing to some of my friends who belong to other Christian denominations.  Not only will you not see a cross on LDS church buildings, but members of the LDS church do not wear crosses around their neck.  I can assure you, however, that we are very Christian.

The prophet Gordon B. Hinckley was asked this very question by a group of clergymen from other religions in a meeting where he was a speaker. The following is what he said, “I do not wish to give offense to any of my christian brethren who use the cross on the steeples of their cathedrals, and at the alters of their chapels, who wear it on their vestments, and imprint it on their books and other literature, but for us, the cross is the symbol of the dying Jesus, while our message is a declaration of the living Christ."

He was then asked “If you do not use the cross, what is the symbol of your religion?” He replied: “The lives of our people must become the only meaningful expression of our faith. And because our savior lives, we do not use the symbol of his death as the symbol of our faith, but what shall we use? No sign, no work of art, no representation of form is adequate to express the glory and the wonder of the living Christ. He told us what that symbol should be when he said ‘if ye love me keep my commandments’ (John 14:15) ... As his followers, we can not do a mean or shoddy or ungracious things without tarnishing his image, nor can we do a good and gracious and generous act without burnishing more brightly the symbol of him whose name we have taken upon ourselves... Our lives must become a symbol of meaningful expression, a symbol of our declaration of our testimony of the living Christ, the eternal son of the living God. It is that simple, it is that profound, and we must never for get it.”

President Hinckley addresses this question again in the video below when he was interviewed on CNN by Larry King.  It is also further explained in this article: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/04/the-symbol-of-our-faith?lang=eng

Why can't I go into a Mormon temple?

Mormon temples are some of the most sacred places on Earth, and as such, only those who are holding themselves to the high standards of the LDS Church are allowed inside (besides during the open house stage before a temple is dedicated). What goes on inside temples is not secret, but sacred, and as such it is not to be shared with those who are not prepared or worthy to receive it. We encourage all those in our Church to attend the temple frequently if possible, and encourage all those who join our Church to begin to prepare themselves to enter the temple.

From Mormon.org:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has more than 100 operating temples around the world. Visitors are welcome to visit the temple grounds at all of these temples and attend open houses prior to dedication. However, only baptized members who are qualified and prepared are allowed to enter a temple after it is dedicated.
In temples, Church members participate in ordinances designed to unite their families together forever and help them return to God. In the temple, members:

• Learn eternal truths.
• Receive sacred ordinances, including those that bind husband and wife together for eternity, as well as join children and parents (Malachi 4:5-6).
• Provide ordinances such as baptism for those who have died without the opportunity to receive the gospel of Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:29; 1 Peter 4:6)

This temple near me in Payson, Utah, is where I go to experience a refuge from the world and find peace.

Same-sex marriage

Many Christian faiths have altered their views on same-sex marriage over the last decade.  How does the Mormon church feel about the issue of same-sex marriage?

We are not anti-gay; we are pro-family.  The Church has a high standard on morality. We believe sexual relations should be reserved for a married man and woman. This may prove difficult for both people with same-sex and opposite-sex attractions. However, I believe that by obeying this law, we can gain greater peace and happiness. God knows what is best for us, and He gave us this law to bless us. Same-sex marriage distorts what marriage is all about. It is based on the lie that because you are attracted to the same sex, you need to be in a same-sex relationship in order to be "true to yourself". Many members of the Church can testify that this is not true. Some have found peace and joy in celibacy, and others have gone on to have faithful and fulfilling marriages.

The following is a statement written on June 29, 2015 by the Council of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve.  The statement is in response to the Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage in the United States.  

"Marriage between a man and a woman was instituted by God and is central to His plan for His children and for the well‐being of society ... Strong families, guided by a loving mother and father, serve as the fundamental institution for nurturing children, instilling faith, and transmitting to future generations the moral strengths and values that are important to civilization and vital to eternal salvation.  A family built on marriage of a man and a woman is the best setting for God’s plan of happiness to thrive. That is why communities and nations generally have encouraged and protected marriage between a man and a woman, and the family that results from their union, as privileged institutions. Sexual relations outside of such a marriage are contrary to the laws of God pertaining to morality. Changes in the civil law do not, indeed cannot, change the moral law that God has established. God expects us to uphold and keep His commandments regardless of divergent opinions or trends in society. His law of chastity is clear: sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife."

I want to return to the story I shared in my last post about my friend, "Cathy."  After dating a very sweet girl for the past two years, Cathy was excited to announce her upcoming nuptials this past year.  The Supreme Court's recent ruling that struck down the ban of homosexual marriages in the United States was monumental to Cathy and her partner.  Although Cathy knows my viewpoint on same-sex marriage, she invited me to attend the wedding.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend the wedding due to the fact that I was moving across the country that week (which kept me just a little preoccupied!), but if I had been available, I would have attended the wedding and hugged her afterward.  I would have brought a gift for the happy couple and wished them well in their future.  I do not approve of their marriage, but I love them both and respect their decisions.  Would I allow my kids to play with their kids?  Absolutely.  To me, homosexuality is no different than any other sexual sin.  My kids also have friends who live with their mom and her boyfriend, which is contrary to God's commandment.  I don't think it's healthy to shield my kids from families that have different lifestyles than ours.  God has set the standard for sexual relations to be between a married man and woman because I believe He knows how we can attain the most happiness in this life and eternal joy in the life to come. 

How does my homosexual marriage affect your heterosexual marriage?

Elder Oaks gave this answer in an interview he conducted with a member of the public affairs committee of the LDS Church: "This is much bigger than just a question of whether or not society should be more tolerant of the homosexual lifestyle. Over past years we have seen unrelenting pressure from advocates of that lifestyle to accept as normal what is not normal, and to characterize those who disagree as narrow-minded, bigoted and unreasonable. Such advocates are quick to demand freedom of speech and thought for themselves, but equally quick to criticize those with a different view and, if possible, to silence them by applying labels like “homophobic.” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints must take a stand on doctrine and principle. This is more than a social issue — ultimately it may be a test of our most basic religious freedoms to teach what we know our Father in Heaven wants us to teach."

I agree completely with Elder Oaks statement, as well as the statements I posted below.  The issue of same-sex marriage is not just a liberal issue, and it is not an issue I will conform to due to pressure from our society.  I believe same-sex marriage is detrimental to the formation of families.  It is biologically impossible for two people of the same gender to create a child, and I believe we have been commanded by God, ever since the time of Adam and Eve, to "multiply and replenish the Earth."  This is not possible for all couples - some who are heterosexual and definitely for all who are homosexual, but I believe the main purpose of marriage is to create a union where children can grow and develop with the guidance of both a father and a mother.  It's no secret that moms and dads are different in many ways, but they compliment each other, which is vitally important for the healthy development of children.

Jeffrey R. Holland wrote the following in article that was published in October 2007 Ensign magazine: "First, let’s be absolutely clear on what God wants for each of us. He wants us to have all of the blessings of eternal life. He wants us to become like Him. To help us do that, He has given us a plan. This plan is based on eternal truths and is not altered according to the social trends of the day.

At the heart of this plan is the begetting of children, one of the crucial reasons Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden (see 2 Nephi 2:19–25; Moses 5:10–12). They were commanded to “be fruitful, and multiply” (Moses 2:28), and they chose to keep that commandment. We are to follow them in marrying and providing physical bodies for Heavenly Father’s spirit children. Obviously, a same-gender relationship is inconsistent with this plan.  For various reasons, marriage and children are not immediately available to all. Perhaps no offer of marriage is forthcoming. Perhaps even after marriage there is an inability to have children. Or perhaps there is no present attraction to the opposite gender. Whatever the reason, God’s richest blessings will eventually be available to all of His children if they are clean and faithful."

Gordon B. Hinckley has said, “People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians. My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are. We want to help these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families.”

 How can the Mormon church, which practiced polygamy for many years, possibly be opposed to non-traditional marriages?

Once again I will quote Elder Oaks, because I love the answer he gave to a similar question:  "I see irony in that if one views it without the belief that we affirm in divine revelation. The 19th century Mormons, including some of my ancestors, were not eager to practice plural marriage. They followed the example of Brigham Young, who expressed his profound negative feelings when he first had this principle revealed to him. The Mormons of the 19th century who practiced plural marriage, male and female, did so because they felt it was a duty put upon them by God.  When that duty was lifted, they were directed to conform to the law of the land, which forbade polygamy and which had been held constitutional. When they were told to refrain from plural marriage, there were probably some who were unhappy, but I think the majority were greatly relieved and glad to get back into the mainstream of western civilization, which had been marriage between a man and a woman. In short, if you start with the assumption of continuing revelation, on which this Church is founded, then you can understand that there is no irony in this. But if you don’t start with that assumption, you see a profound irony."

I have been asked this question by some friends who are not members of the LDS church, and it's been a difficult question to answer.  I don't claim to understand why polygamy was necessary for a short time in the Church's history, and it is not the only occurrence in the Church's history that I understand.  I've had times when I've questioned my faith.  I'm not ashamed of this fact because I would never want to belong to an organization where I was expected to blindly follow.  This is what I do know:  I know that Jesus Christ is at the head of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I know that Joseph Smith, a flawed man just like the rest of us, restored Christ's church to the Earth.  I know that the Book of Mormon and The Bible were written by past prophets and disciples of Christ, and that the writings were preserved by God.  I believe that Thomas S. Monson speaks with Christ and directs the LDS today.  I fail miserably at living all the doctrines of the gospel at all times, but I am grateful for the guidance of apostles and prophets that help me know God's desires for me.

I completely believe in the words of The Proclamation on the Family, and I find pure happiness in abiding by the teachings given in this inspired document.

Same-sex attraction (homosexuality)

I'm not sure there are topics more fiercely debated than those of same-sex attraction and same-sex marriage.  I've decided to address these topics in two separate posts, since they are really separate situations.

SSA has impacted many families and almost everyone is acquainted with a person who experiences SSA.  To protect the privacy of those in my life that have feelings of SSA, I'm going to change the name of the female in the following story.  I will call her Cathy.

Cathy is one of the most outgoing, kind, helpful, responsible, funny women I've ever known.  She is also the biological mother of four children.  Regardless of the activity or event her children are involved with, Cathy is on the front row.  She loves being a mother and has a natural ability to nurture her children.  As a teenager and young adult, Cathy enjoyed spending time with her friends - both male and female.  She wasn't very interested in dating, although she did have the desire to be a mother someday.  More than anything, she loved spending time with her roommates before they all found husbands and moved on with their lives.  After cultivating a friendship with an LDS man she found compatible, it seemed logical for them to get married in the temple and begin a family.  Cathy was concerned about the low level of physical attraction she felt toward her fiance, and she was very aware of the differences she saw in herself when compared to her head-over-heels-in-love, engaged friends.  Although enjoying the companionship she had with her husband over the next several years, Cathy was also concerned about the sexual feelings she was experiencing.  Rather than feeling a sexual drive toward her husband, she was drawn to the women she met at the gym.  By the time she finally admitted these feelings to her husband, she had already begun a relationship with one of the females on her soccer team.  Her husband was actually not surprised by the announcement, but was obviously very concerned about their future.  They both worried about the children and didn't know how to move forward.  Cathy broke off the relationship with the female and tried to once again give her full attention to the husband of her children, but at this point she was keenly aware of the attraction she felt toward those of her same gender.  After many more years of trying to keep their marriage together, Cathy and her husband made the difficult decision to divorce.  Despite their circumstances, I am incredibly impressed with the amount of respect Cathy and her ex-husband show each other.  They still work as a team in raising their children and have managed to continue their friendship.  Cathy is now in a committed relationship with a female, and her husband has since remarried.  The most amazing part of their story is the fact that Cathy and her ex are raising their children in the LDS church because they BOTH have testimonies about the truthfulness of the restored gospel.  Cathy is fully aware that her lifestyle is not in accordance with LDS doctrines, but she continues to cultivate her relationship with Jesus Christ and to support her children in their desires to be involved in the LDS church.

I love and appreciate Cathy for her friendship.  This doesn't mean I agree with all of her life choices, but I think it's very important to remember that individuals who have SSA tendencies also have many other qualities.  We all have many identities we take on, such as "mother," "daughter," "Christian," "teacher," or "Republican."  Although we also take on the identity of our sexual orientation, we should remember that there are many aspects to a person.  I will speak more about Cathy in my next post.

Can people who experience same-sex attraction remain in the Mormon church?

This is the LDS church's official stance:  The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

This means that ALL people, regardless of the challenges they experience, are welcomed as members of the LDS church as long as they live by the guidelines God has set.  There are numerous stories of individuals who experience SSA being actively involved in the LDS church.  Please watch some of the videos that are featured on the website www.mormonsandgays.org.  I am amazed and uplifted at the courage they have in sharing their experiences.

This is a quote from www.mormonsandgays.org: "The Church’s approach to this issue stands apart from society in many ways. And that’s alright. Reasonable people can and do differ. From a public relations perspective it would be easier for the Church to simply accept homosexual behavior. That we cannot do, for God’s law is not ours to change. There is no change in the Church’s position of what is morally right. But what is changing — and what needs to change — is to help Church members respond sensitively and thoughtfully when they encounter same-sex attraction in their own families, among other Church members, or elsewhere."

Does the church advocate having those who experience SSA getting married to someone of the opposite gender?

No.  In the past, some well-meaning church leaders may have advised some individuals struggling with SSA to get married to someone of the opposite gender in an effort to help them find fulfillment and happiness within the guidelines of the LDS church, but this is not the viewpoint of the church.  When Gordon B. Hinckley was President of the church, he learned that some leaders were giving this advice, so he made the following statement: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.”  The modern-day apostles and prophets have expressed concern for marriages where one spouse has joined the union as a solution to their SSA issues.  There are times, however, when marriage has been an option for some who struggle with SSA.  Referring to these situations, Elder Oaks has commented, "...persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate."

One such example of a person with SSA finding success in a marriage to someone of the opposite gender is Ty Mansfield, an active Latter-day Saint who shares his story in the video posted below.

If Mormon's believe homosexuality is a sin, do they also believe that homosexuality is a choice?

 Elder Dallin H. Oaks responded to a similar question with this answer: "The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction.  Those are scientific questions - whether nature or nurture - those are things the Church doesn't have a position on."

Basically, no one fully knows the root causes of same-sex attraction. Each experience is different.  Scientists have tried to find a "root cause" of homosexuality for many years, but have still not managed to find any proof one way or the other.  We simply don't understand why some people are attracted to their own gender while the majority of people are attracted to the opposite gender.  What we do know as Latter-day Saints is this:  same-gender attraction was not experienced in the pre-mortal world (the world we lived in before coming to Earth) and it will not be experienced in the after-life.  Latter-day Saints recognize the enormous complexity of this matter. None of us has all the answers, but we firmly believe that attraction to those of the same sex is not a disease or illness. We must not judge anyone for the feelings they experience. Members of the Church who have same-sex attractions, but don’t act on them, can continue to enjoy full fellowship.  Same-sex attraction itself is not a sin, but yielding to it is.

I want to close with a statement that can be found on www.mormonnewsroom.org: "The Church’s affirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman “neither constitutes nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.” On the contrary, many Church leaders have spoken clearly about the love and respect with which all people are to be treated. Former Church president Gordon B. Hinckley (1910-2008) told members who are attracted to the same sex: 'Our hearts reach out to [you]. We remember you before the Lord, we sympathize with you, we regard you as our brothers and sisters.' President Boyd K. Packer affirmed: 'We do not reject you. … We cannot reject you. … We will not reject you, because we love you.'"

There are many great resources that further discuss The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint's position on same-sex attraction.  I recommend these three:

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/interview-oaks-wickman-same-gender-attraction

https://www.lds.org/manual/god-loveth-his-children/god-loveth-his-children?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/10/helping-those-who-struggle-with-same-gender-attraction?lang=eng&_r=1

Abuse

Of all the topics I'm going to address on this blog, this one is the hardest for me.  As I've read and pondered this subject, I've been heartsick for all those who suffer from this often hidden tragedy.  Abuse is definitely a somber topic, but the leaders of the Mormon church have been outspoken in addressing the issue.  They define it this way:  "Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others.  It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt and fear" (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1995, p.1).

Abuse comes in many forms and severities, but the most common forms are physical, psychological/emotional and sexual.  These types of abuse are seen in children as well as adults, and the perpetrators can be female or male.  Neglect is also a devastating form of abuse that is most common in small children.

This is how the LDS church defines child abuse:  "Physical abuse occurs when an individual, in most cases an adult, causes bodily harm to a child. Child abuse in the form of neglect includes failure to provide for the basic nutritional, clothing, housing, medical, and educational needs of a child. Neglect includes leaving a child for extended periods of time without adequate supervision.  Emotional abuse is treating a child in a way that attacks his or her emotional development and sense of worth. Examples include constant faultfinding, belittling, rejection, and withholding of love, support, and guidance.  Child sexual abuse is any lewd or sexual activity between a child of any age and an adult or a significantly older youth who is in a position of power, trust, or control. It includes the sexual exploitation of a child in pornographic materials."
(https://www.lds.org/manual/preventing-and-responding-to-child-abuse-helps-for-members?lang=eng)

I've read stories about Mormon leaders "covering up" allegations of abuse.  Why didn't the leaders help the victims?

There is absolutely nothing more contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ than abuse in all it's devilish forms.  The official handbook of the LDS church states: "The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man. All members, especially parents and leaders, are encouraged to be alert and diligent and do all they can to protect children and others against abuse and neglect. Members who have abused others are subject to Church discipline.  If leaders or teachers become aware of instances of abuse, they should counsel with the bishop."
(https://www.lds.org/handbook/handbook-2-administering-the-church/selected-church-policies/21.4#214)

Abuse victims are to be reassured that they are innocent and church leaders are responsible for arranging counseling for the victim as well as alerting the proper authorities when necessary.  Victims need not and should not keep quiet.  If at any time an LDS church leader has "covered up" an abusive act, they have gone completely against church policy that is clearly laid out in the official handbook.  If a ward leader has a question as to how to proceed in a certain situation, they are told to counsel immediately with their area leadership.

I think it is important to mention that individuals from all denominations make mistakes.  Unfortunately, even members of those organizations that are seeking to further the perfect message of Jesus Christ's gospel will make mistakes.  I am not personally aware of any situation where an abused victim was ignored or rejected as they sought help, but I am also not naive enough to believe it hasn't happened at some point.  All leaders in the LDS church are volunteers and none of them receive formal counseling training before they are called to their position.  We are all a bunch of imperfect people trying desperately to preach the perfect gospel.

Everyone seems to have a different opinion about what constitutes abuse.  How does the Mormon church define child abuse?

“But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matt. 18:1–6.)

In a fantastic talk titled "The Tongue of Angels", Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke about the psychological and emotional abuse of children: "We must be so careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don’t say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child’s view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child’s faith in us and their faith in God. Be constructive in your comments to a child—always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget—and to forgive."

Gordon B. Hinckley answered a question about the sexual abuse of children in this way:  "Sexual abuse of children on the part of fathers, or anyone else, has long been a cause for excommunication from the Church. No man who has been ordained to the priesthood of God can with impunity indulge in either spouse or child abuse. Such activity becomes an immediate repudiation of his right to hold and exercise the priesthood and to retain membership in the Church.  I am glad that there is a growing public awareness of this insidious evil. The exploitation of children, or the abuse of one’s spouse, for the satisfaction of sadistic desires is sin of the darkest hue."

In an April 1990 General Conference address, Thomas S. Monson addressed the physical abuse of children: "A physician revealed to me the large number of [abused] children who are brought to the emergency rooms of local hospitals in your city and mine. In many cases guilty parents provide fanciful accounts of the child falling from his high chair or stumbling over a toy and striking his head. Altogether too frequently it is discovered that the parent was the abuser and the innocent child the victim. Shame on the perpetrators of such vile deeds. God will hold such strictly accountable for their actions."

How does the Mormon church define abuse among intimate partners?

Gordon B. Hinckley:  "In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.  She is not your servant, your chattel, nor anything of the kind.  How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse. Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved, and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man.  Any man who engages in this practice is unworthy to hold a temple recommend.  I regret to say that I see too much of this ugly phenomenon. There are men who cuff their wives about, both verbally and physically. What a tragedy when a man demeans the mother of his children."
(https://www.lds.org/liahona/2002/07/personal-worthiness-to-exercise-the-priesthood?lang=eng)

In the same talk by Jeffrey R. Holland that I mentioned above, he spoke about abuse among intimate adults:  "Husbands, you have been entrusted with the most sacred gift God can give you—a wife, a daughter of God, the mother of your children who has voluntarily given herself to you for love and joyful companionship. Think of the kind things you said when you were courting, think of the blessings you have given with hands placed lovingly upon her head, think of yourself and of her as the god and goddess you both inherently are, and then reflect on other moments characterized by cold, caustic, unbridled words. Given the damage that can be done with our tongues, little wonder the Savior said, “Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” A husband who would never dream of striking his wife physically can break, if not her bones, then certainly her heart by the brutality of thoughtless or unkind speech. Physical abuse is uniformly and unequivocally condemned in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If it is possible to be more condemning than that, we speak even more vigorously against all forms of sexual abuse. Today, I speak against verbal and emotional abuse of anyone against anyone, but especially of husbands against wives. Brethren, these things ought not to be.

In that same spirit we speak to the sisters as well, for the sin of verbal abuse knows no gender. Wives, what of the unbridled tongue in your mouth, of the power for good or ill in your words? How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined. Sisters, there is no place in that magnificent spirit of yours for acerbic or abrasive expression of any kind, including gossip or backbiting or catty remarks. Let it never be said of our home or our ward or our neighborhood that “the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity … [burning] among our members.”

I also highly recommend this article (https://www.lds.org/ensign/1999/10/a-conversation-on-spouse-abuse?lang=eng) that addresses many specific questions, such as:

• Some think spouse abuse includes only acts of a physical nature. Thus, how should the term be defined?
• What are some signs of spouse abuse that are not as obvious as bruises or other physical marks?
• What are some reasons abuse occurs?
• How likely is it that abusers will change?
• What can be done to prevent abuse?

How can victims of abuse find healing within the LDS church?

In response to the question, "What kind of help can abuse victims receive from church leaders?", Anne L. Horton, an associate professor of social work at Brigham Young University and a licensed clinical social worker whose practice focuses on domestic abuse, replied, "The Church produces spiritually directed resources that bishops can share with people who may need them, for example, Preventing and Responding to Spouse Abuse (pamphlet, 1997). The bishop can put individuals in contact with therapists who have been identified as being responsible and trustworthy. If these individuals cannot afford to pay the entire cost of counseling, the bishop can help arrange for financial assistance."

When asked, "How can the gospel help those dealing with abuse?" Brent Bartholomew, an attorney experienced in representing abused spouses and children who is also a member of the LDS church stated: "The Savior’s Atonement encompasses all suffering, not only suffering for our sins but also suffering as a consequence of others’ sins. The pain of those who have been abused can be eliminated through the sanctifying power of the Atonement and the pure and perfect love of Christ. Sometimes this healing process occurs more slowly when a woman has difficulty developing a relationship with our Heavenly Father due to the inappropriate manner in which she has been treated by male figures in her life. But through divine help, she can eventually be healed from the consequences of her spouse’s sins of abuse."

Until his recent death, I always admired the gentle way in which Elder Richard G. Scott spoke.  He exuded love and compassion to everyone.  This article is extremely helpful in guiding abuse victims along the pathway of healing.  Rather than copying a quote, I strongly encourage you to watch this video.  Elder Scott has a remarkable way of bringing peace and understanding to difficult topics.

Abortion

In my last blog post, I spoke about the miracle of adoption.  In this blog post, I will speak about the tragedy of abortion.

As I've mentioned before, I was a virgin on my wedding night.  Years before that night, I made a decision that greatly affected my future.  The decision was made before I ever nervously ventured out on my first date.  During my early teen years, I watched someone very close to me make choices that caused her pain.  She had not made the decision to remain sexually pure until marriage, and it had brought unbelievable heartache and difficulties into her life.  Although she didn't realize it at the time, she was setting a great example for me . . . about what NOT to do.  I vowed to wait until marriage before having sex, even though I knew I would be tempted to break my promise.  Because of my decision, I never had a moment where I feared an unwanted pregnancy.  I never felt crushed by a boy who had used and discarded me.  I never felt the shame of wondering if I would be accepted by a boy after he found out about my past.  I had made my choice and I stuck to it.

If there is one thing that frustrates me to no end, it is the phrase "pro-choice."  This word is thrown around as a defense for a woman's right to an abortion.  Pro-choice advocates say women have a right to make choices for their body.  When I hear this argument, I want to scream, "EXACTLY!"  Every woman has a right to make choices for her body, but women who are surprised by an unwanted pregnancy ALREADY MADE THEIR CHOICE.  Just like I made the deliberate choice to refrain from sex until marriage, many women make the choice to engage in sexual activity when they are not prepared to become mothers.  I completely respect their decision, but I agree with Stephen R. Covey's statement: "While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”  Besides situations where a rape was involved, a woman who engages in sexual activity has already made her choice long before she took a pregnancy test.  Once a child has begun to develop inside her, she is dealing with the consequence of the choice she made.

What is the Mormon Church's stance on abortion?

On the subject of abortion the Church has taken a very clear stand.   "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes in the sanctity of human life. Therefore, the Church opposes elective abortion for personal or social convenience, and counsels its members not to submit to, perform, encourage, pay for, or arrange for such abortions.

The Church allows for possible exceptions for its members when:

• Pregnancy results from rape or incest, or
• A competent physician determines that the life or health of the mother is in serious jeopardy, or
• A competent physician determines that the fetus has severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth.

The Church teaches its members that even these rare exceptions do not justify abortion automatically. Abortion is a most serious matter and should be considered only after the persons involved have consulted with their local church leaders and feel through personal prayer that their decision is correct."

Numerous apostles and prophets have spoken out about the act of aborting unwanted pregnancies.  President Ezra Taft Benson taught: “We oppose and abhor the damnable practice of wholesale abortion and every other unholy and impure act which strikes at the very foundation of the home and family, and our most basic institutions.”

This visual literally makes me feel ill.  I applaud any unwed woman who is unselfish enough to endure the judgement of others while experiencing the challenges of pregnancy.  I don't claim to understand how difficult those 9 months will be, but I wish I could embrace each one of those girls and tell them I admire their braveness.

If I've had an abortion, can I ever be forgiven?

I'm having a hard time answering this question without tears falling all over my laptop.  Yes, yes, yes!  Abortion is a very serious sin, but hope is never lost!

President Spencer W. Kimball has correctly said, “Abortion, the taking of life, is one of the most grievous of sins.” But now listen to the comfort President Russell M. Nelson offers to those who seek repentance from participating in an abortion. He lovingly states, “Is there any hope for the person who has participated in the act of abortion? Is there any hope for those who have so sinned and who now suffer heartbreak? The answer is yes!  As far as has been revealed, a person may repent and be forgiven for the sin of abortion. We know the Lord will help all who are truly repentant.”

Jesus Christ LOVES you.  There is no pain, disappointed or embarrassment we experience in this life that Christ has not already felt.  When you feel no one else understands, HE DOES.

Adoption

I remember sitting on Ciara's couch many times while she fed me delicious food.  My beautiful friend had wanted to be a mother ever since she was married many years earlier.  Due to some medical issues in her teenage years, she was aware that pregnancy may not be possible for her, but that didn't stop her from seeing multiple doctors and trying every procedure possible.  We had several discussions during this time where she would break down emotionally and describe the process of mourning the biological children she hoped to have.  Over the years, she and her husband both came to the conclusion that adoption was a good solution for their situation because they desperately wanted to become parents.

In the summer of 2012, they finally welcomed a little boy into their family.  17 months later they welcomed a second baby boy into their arms.

Without the gift of adoption, my sweet friend would have never known the joy that is found in motherhood.  She grew up in a large family and always wanted a loud house full of children. Through the incredibly selfless act of two separate girls, their dreams came true.  

Do Mormons believe in adoption?

Referring to single women who find themselves carrying a child, Gordon B. Hinckley, stated: "If there is no prospect of marriage to the man involved, leaving the mother alone, there remains the very welcome option of placing the child for adoption by parents who will love it and care for it. There are many such couples in good homes who long for a child and cannot have one."

The Mormon church unequivocally supports adoption.  

Does the Mormon church pressure single, pregnant girls into giving their baby up for adoption?  Does the Mormon church think single women aren't capable of raising a child alone?

This is the official position of the LDS church:

“Unwed parents who do not marry should not be counseled to keep the infant as a condition of repentance or out of an obligation to care for one’s own.”

President Kimball spoke often about the serious consequences of the sin of immorality: “If pregnancy results from the sin, … it is the girl who suffers most ... She carries most of the burdens, while the boy often seems to go penalty-free. The girl must go through the uncomfortable nine months with its distress, deprivations, limitations and embarrassments, and then the pain and expense of delivery and the difficult life afterward. It is a cowardly boy who would not propose marriage, pay the costs, share the deprivations and embarrassment. Yet many young men have walked away and abandoned the girl to all the devastating payments for the sin of them both."

The financial and educational statistics for unwed mothers are staggering.  I won't mention them here, but the internet is full of resources that prove families are more successful when both a mother and a father are present.

LDS Family Services, a counseling service that has clinics all over the world, says the following on their website: "Choosing to marry, single parent, or place your child with adoptive parents may be one of the more important decisions you will make in your life and the life of your child.  When making important decisions like these, gather as much information as you can, ponder its significance, and prayerfully take it to the Lord."

THIS website has some valuable resources for girls who are needing guidance in their unplanned pregnancy, including these words: "Remember that whatever you decide for you and your child, some people will agree with your decisions and others will not. Every individual’s situation is different, so the answer for one person may not work for another. One thing you can be sure of is that no one will have given as much time, effort, and thought to the unique circumstances of your situation as you and the Lord. Trust in the divine counsel you receive from Heavenly Father as you make your decision.  Studying a decision out in your mind includes researching the information available for each of the challenges you face. Consider the following questions:

• What direction are your parents, bishop, and other trusted individuals giving you?
• What are the rewards and challenges for both you and your child associated with each decision?
• If I were to place the needs of the child above the needs of everyone else (including my own), how might this influence my decision?

These are just a few of the questions you may want to explore prior to taking your decision to the Lord for His counsel. Remember, He cannot assist you in making your decisions unless you invite Him to be part of them."

Can a girl who had sex or got pregnant out of wedlock be forgiven?

YES!  God will never abandon His children!  He loves his pregnant daughter and her unborn child more than we could ever comprehend.  Anyone who commits a moral sin can work through the repentance process in order to restore peace to their life.  Regardless of the decision a pregnant girl makes about the baby she is carrying, she will need support and love from her family and close friends.  This video is a perfect example of the grace we can receive through Jesus Christ:

“The mission of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is to call people everywhere to repentance. Those who heed the call, whether members or nonmembers of the Church, can be partakers of the miracle of forgiveness. God will wipe away from their eyes the tears of anguish, and remorse, and consternation, and fear, and guilt. Dry eyes will replace the wet ones, and smiles of satisfaction will replace the worried, anxious look.” (Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969), pp. 367–78.)

Forgiveness IS possible.  Adoption is a wonderful option that can bring about miracles.

Divorce

 Can Mormons divorce?

Divorce is not a fun topic, but it is a topic that needs to be discussed.  I've spent much of the past year wondering if I would soon be divorced.  After MUCH prayer, contemplation and therapy, I made the choice to separate from my husband last summer.  That was without a doubt the most difficult decision I have ever made, but I knew what needed to happen in order for my family to have a chance at a secure future.  Although we are still working through the issues, my husband and I recently rededicated ourselves to this marriage.  Divorce would possibly solve some of our issues but it would also bring brand-new ones to the table, and if at all possible I would like to avoid those new problems.  On the day we were married, I vowed to love my husband despite the challenges ahead, and I will not break that promise I made with him and God.  If the time comes when my husband is not actively involved in recovering from some of his issues, I may have to choose a different route for my family, but I will never stop loving him and believing in the potential he has.

This short 3 minute video by Dallin H. Oaks highlights some of my tender feelings.  Sometimes divorce is the best answer, but too often couples are choosing to divorce because they don't feel compatible anymore or they can't possibly forgive their spouse for a grievance. 

THE FAMILY IS ORDAINED OF GOD.  MARRIAGE BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN IS ESSENTIAL TO HIS ETERNAL PLAN.  These two sentences from The Proclamation perfectly explain the position of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in matters of marriage.  

•  The family is not merely a convenient way to live and raise children.  It is ORDAINED OF GOD.  We lived in family units before coming to Earth and we can continue to live with our family for ETERNITY.
• Marriage should be between a man and woman.  This doesn't mean we are prejudice or hate gays; it means that we believe God wants families to be comprised of a husband and a wife.  Only a man and woman joined together have the procreative power to bring children into this world.    
• Marriage is not simply a piece of paper that entitles two people to government benefits.  Marriage is ESSENTIAL to God's plan.  It is necessary and should be guarded and nourished.

Dallin H. Oaks stated, "The concept that society has a strong interest in preserving marriages for the common good as well as the good of the couple and their children has been replaced for many by the idea that marriage is only a private relationship between consenting adults, terminable at the will of either."  The backbone of a strong society is the strength of the individual families! 

The fact that divorce rates in America have declined over the past decade has caused some people to deny the negative affect that divorces are having on future generations.  Unfortunately, divorce rates are declining slowly because marriages are drastically declining.  Couples are choosing to cohabit instead of making a public lifetime commitment.  One of the reasons for this occurrence is the current generation of parents who endured their own parent's divorce.

Mormons are not immune to troubled marriages.  Like other religious couples as well as non-religious couples, Mormons have their own struggles and sometimes divorce is eminent.  However, this chart shows the dedication that many Mormons feel toward their marriage covenant.  Put simply, we believe in families. 

I read this quote in the latest edition of The Ensign, a magazine distributed by the LDS church every month: “The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. … [Imagine that] the Savior is positioned at the apex of [a] triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily ‘come unto Christ’ and strive to be ‘perfected in Him’ (Moroni 10:32).”  (Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles)

If you would like to read some specific examples of Mormon couples who have worked through their issues in order to avoid divorce, I recommend this article:
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/10/mending-our-marriage?lang=eng

I will end with this statement from Gordon B. Hinckley, who served as a President of the LDS church before his death in 2008:

"There may be now and again a legitimate cause for divorce. I am not one to say that it is never justified. But I say without hesitation that this plague among us, which seems to be growing everywhere, is not of God, but rather is the work of the adversary of righteousness and peace and truth.  You need not be his victims."