Divorce

 Can Mormons divorce?

Divorce is not a fun topic, but it is a topic that needs to be discussed.  I've spent much of the past year wondering if I would soon be divorced.  After MUCH prayer, contemplation and therapy, I made the choice to separate from my husband last summer.  That was without a doubt the most difficult decision I have ever made, but I knew what needed to happen in order for my family to have a chance at a secure future.  Although we are still working through the issues, my husband and I recently rededicated ourselves to this marriage.  Divorce would possibly solve some of our issues but it would also bring brand-new ones to the table, and if at all possible I would like to avoid those new problems.  On the day we were married, I vowed to love my husband despite the challenges ahead, and I will not break that promise I made with him and God.  If the time comes when my husband is not actively involved in recovering from some of his issues, I may have to choose a different route for my family, but I will never stop loving him and believing in the potential he has.

This short 3 minute video by Dallin H. Oaks highlights some of my tender feelings.  Sometimes divorce is the best answer, but too often couples are choosing to divorce because they don't feel compatible anymore or they can't possibly forgive their spouse for a grievance. 

THE FAMILY IS ORDAINED OF GOD.  MARRIAGE BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN IS ESSENTIAL TO HIS ETERNAL PLAN.  These two sentences from The Proclamation perfectly explain the position of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in matters of marriage.  

•  The family is not merely a convenient way to live and raise children.  It is ORDAINED OF GOD.  We lived in family units before coming to Earth and we can continue to live with our family for ETERNITY.
• Marriage should be between a man and woman.  This doesn't mean we are prejudice or hate gays; it means that we believe God wants families to be comprised of a husband and a wife.  Only a man and woman joined together have the procreative power to bring children into this world.    
• Marriage is not simply a piece of paper that entitles two people to government benefits.  Marriage is ESSENTIAL to God's plan.  It is necessary and should be guarded and nourished.

Dallin H. Oaks stated, "The concept that society has a strong interest in preserving marriages for the common good as well as the good of the couple and their children has been replaced for many by the idea that marriage is only a private relationship between consenting adults, terminable at the will of either."  The backbone of a strong society is the strength of the individual families! 

The fact that divorce rates in America have declined over the past decade has caused some people to deny the negative affect that divorces are having on future generations.  Unfortunately, divorce rates are declining slowly because marriages are drastically declining.  Couples are choosing to cohabit instead of making a public lifetime commitment.  One of the reasons for this occurrence is the current generation of parents who endured their own parent's divorce.

Mormons are not immune to troubled marriages.  Like other religious couples as well as non-religious couples, Mormons have their own struggles and sometimes divorce is eminent.  However, this chart shows the dedication that many Mormons feel toward their marriage covenant.  Put simply, we believe in families. 

I read this quote in the latest edition of The Ensign, a magazine distributed by the LDS church every month: “The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. … [Imagine that] the Savior is positioned at the apex of [a] triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily ‘come unto Christ’ and strive to be ‘perfected in Him’ (Moroni 10:32).”  (Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles)

If you would like to read some specific examples of Mormon couples who have worked through their issues in order to avoid divorce, I recommend this article:
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/10/mending-our-marriage?lang=eng

I will end with this statement from Gordon B. Hinckley, who served as a President of the LDS church before his death in 2008:

"There may be now and again a legitimate cause for divorce. I am not one to say that it is never justified. But I say without hesitation that this plague among us, which seems to be growing everywhere, is not of God, but rather is the work of the adversary of righteousness and peace and truth.  You need not be his victims."

Honoring Vows

What does 'fidelity' mean?  

Fidelty is synonymous with loyalty.  I love this paragraph from focusonthefamily.com:

"Nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to begin an extramarital affair. Infidelity begins in the heart and mind. By the time a person physically commits adultery, he or she has been indulging for quite some time in progressively more intense mental and emotional affairs.  Likewise, marital fidelity begins long before marriage. It begins as a promise we make to ourselves to be a person of faithful character before marriage ever enters the picture. It is a promise we make to our future spouse when we get engaged, and it is a vow we make to our spouse when we get married. Marital fidelity is a daily commitment to seek the best for your spouse and family."

Physical infidelity involves any physical intimacy outside of the marriage relationship. Sexual sins are an abomination before God because, next to life itself, the ability to create life is one of the greatest gifts that God has entrusted to His children. It is a sacred power only to be used within the bounds that God has set—total abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity afterward. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter unity.  Emotional infidelity usually occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.

Mormons can't possibly expect to only be with one person for their whole life, can they?

Ideally, yes!  This doesn't mean that all Mormons have only had sexual relations during their lifetime with their current spouse and it doesn't mean that all Mormons are faithful to their spouse.  It means that ideally everyone should get married before any sexual conduct occurs and then to be completely loyal to your spouse after the wedding ceremony.  I was married on a frigid February day in 1997.  I had never engaged in sex with any past boyfriends because I wanted to "save myself" for marriage.  My husband was also a virgin on our wedding night, which meant we were able to explore our sexual relationship without any jealousy or resentment to past partners.  I feel like this is a complete blessing rather than a restriction.  I never have to worry that I'm being "compared" to other partners and we were able to explore our sexuality together without any preconceived ideas.

 {our wedding day - February 20, 1997}

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that sexual relations outside of marriage are acceptable if the couple loves each another, but this is not true. Breaking the law of chastity (which means being sexually pure) and encouraging someone else to do so is not an expression of love. If you are truly in love with someone, you will not put their happiness and safety at risk in order to have temporary personal pleasure.  Couples who care for one another enough to keep the law of chastity experience an increase in love, trust, and commitment, which brings greater happiness and unity. Relationships which are built on sexual immorality often fall apart quickly because there is not deep commitment. Those who engage in sexual immorality often feel fear, guilt, and shame. Bitterness, jealousy, and hatred soon take over any positive feelings that previously existed in their relationship.

What about pornography?  Is viewing it considered infidelity?

Pornography defiles and demeans that which is most sacred and pure—the sacred powers of procreation. It stimulates the flesh and arouses desires in a way contrary to the laws of God. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches:

"Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It is distributed through many media, including magazines, books, television, movies, music, and the Internet. It is as harmful to the spirit as tobacco, alcohol, and drugs are to the body. Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: “Thou shalt not … commit adultery … nor do anything like unto it” (Doctrine & Covenants 59:6). It can lead to other serious sins. Members of the Church should avoid pornography in any form and should oppose its production, distribution, and use."

Very personal detail here:  a pornography addiction has almost ruined my marriage at times. Pornography is a betrayal, just like physical infidelity.  It brings the same pain of rejection, shame and insecurity.  Pornography use DOES NOT only affect the person viewing it; it greatly affects the marriage relationship as well as the family as a whole.  Pornography in all it's harmful forms should be kept out of our homes.

President Thomas S. Monson said:

"Pornography is especially dangerous and addictive. Curious exploration of pornography can become a controlling habit, leading to coarser material and to sexual transgression. Avoid pornography at all costs.

Don’t be afraid to walk out of a movie, turn off a television set, or change a radio station if what’s being presented does not meet your Heavenly Father’s standards. In short, if you have any question about whether a particular movie, book, or other form of entertainment."

Want to know more about the physically, emotionally and spiritually damaging effects caused by infidelity?  Listen to this talk given by Elder Holland.  This is an address he gave at a General Conference titled, "Give Place No More for the Enemy of thy Soul."  It's one of my favorite talks of all time.

"Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.  Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity . . . We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God."  (The Family:  A Proclamation to the World)

Gender Roles

Do Mormons believe the "old fashioned" viewpoint that moms shouldn't work outside the home?

I'm a stay-at-home mom (which honestly feels more like a stay-in-the-car mom since I spend so much time driving my kids to and from their activities) and my husband works full-time for a marketing company.  A couple years ago, I returned to college in order to finish the Bachelor Degree I started working toward before starting my family.  After graduation, I look forward to having a career I enjoy.

Some of my Mormon Mommy friends have worked full-time their entire adult lives, while others haven't worked at all since giving birth to their first child.  Some have Bachelors Degrees, others have Masters Degrees, and some never attended college.  Some work because they believe it makes them a better mother; others wish they could be home with their kids, but funds require them to have a job.  Basically we are all a big melting pot of different lifestyles.

 The Family: A Proclamation to the World states: "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.  Extended families should lend support when needed."

Are Mormons sexist?

Some people wrongly assume that Mormon men are "in charge" of their families, while women are to be subservient and focus only on raising children.  This is not what Mormons believe!  If you look up the word "preside" in Webster's dictionary, the first definition you see is "to exercise guidance, direction or control."  With the word 'control' at the end of the definition, critics may squirm and think the church is sexist.  If you stop and read closely, however, you will see that the definition says OR control, not AND control.  But is there anything wrong with a father exercising 'guidance'?  Wouldn't all parents agree that fathers should give 'direction' to their children?  Presiding does NOT necessitate the exercise of absolute control, and actually I believe everyone would agree that fathers SHOULD exercise some control over their children so long as he does so in agreement with his wife.  The Latin root of the 'preside' carries another important definition: to guard.  Fathers are to guard their families from the evils of the world.

Let's take another look at the above quote from The Proclamation.  It's vitally important to consider this sentence: "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."  In my family of origin, both my Mother and Father worked full-time throughout my entire childhood.  My Father did the dishes every evening and spent Saturdays cleaning bathrooms, doing yard work and generally maintaining the home.  My Mom cooked most of our meals, did the grocery shopping, and took us to doctor appointments.  They were a great team!  With my own children, I take on more of the home care because my husband works long hours and travels often for work.  When he is home, he does dishes, scrubs bathrooms, spends quality time with the children, and drives them all over the valley to their various activities.  I think we make a great team as well!  Here's one way to view it:  in my parent's marriage, 2 + 3 = 5, and in my marriage 1 + 4 = 5.  In both situations, the answer is the same; we just split it up a little differently.

 Elder D. Todd Christofferson (one of the twelve apostles) has said:

"An area of concern comes from those who . . . want to erase all differences between the masculine and the feminine . . . In blurring feminine and masculine differences, we lose the distinct, complementary gifts of women and men that together produce a greater whole."

I know I am different from my husband.  I know my sons are different than my daughters.  In our competitive world, some have tried to compare the genders in many ways.  Why are we trying to compare the different ingredients that make a perfect combination?  Let's focus on our similarities instead of our differences and help each other in our responsibilities.

 

Children

 {My four awesome kids - October 2014}

 

I always knew I wanted to be a mother.  Sometimes as a teenager, I would write letters to my future daughter when I was having a rough day.  I would dream of the day when my loving husband and I would welcome our new baby into the world.  As a teenager I didn't understand how exhausted I would be with my new baby on those nights of colic, nursing, and diaper changing.  I didn't understand how aggravating a 2-year-old can be when they incessantly ask "why?" all day.  I didn't understand how difficult it would be to watch my 5-year-old walk into school on their first day, knowing they would endure lonely days on the playground and learn a full vocabulary of words that were not allowed in our home.  I didn't know how difficult it would be to get my 8-year-old to do their chores in a timely manner without screaming threats.  I had no idea my teenage daughters would master the annoying eye-roll by age 11.  I didn't understand the intense ache I would feel when I saw pain in my son's eyes after he was bullied.  Although I understood the frustrations of being a teenage girl, I didn't know how drastically the world would change with the arrival of cell phones and social media, which can shatter a girl's self-esteem from the safety of her own bedroom.  I didn't know the fear of watching my 16-year-old drive off on his first date.  Most of all, I didn't have any clue about the sleepless nights I would spend staring at my ceiling with tears streaming down my cheeks as I tried to figure out the balance between love and discipline.  As I look back over the years, the hours I spent in physical labor with my children were easy in comparison to the emotional trauma of learning how to let go of the reins I want to grip on them.

 

But my teenage self couldn't possibly comprehend the intense feelings of joy I would get when my son looked into my eyes for the first time. When my daughter would give me bear hugs and tell me she loves me "this much!"  When I watched my child accomplish a task on their own after some effort.  When my daughter stole the show in a dance recital, or my son would win an academic award in front of the whole school, or my child shared a spiritual experience they had where they truly felt God working in their life.  All the heartache, frustration and fear quickly dissipates during those moments of pure joy.

 

The world seems to be shifting in their belief that parenthood is a desirable and admirable role to fill. In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World on the Family," LDS church leaders declared, "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live."

 

Why would anyone purposely take on all that responsibility?

 

Good question.  Some people wonder why anyone would complicate their already busy life by adding a child.

 

Let's very briefly review what Mormons believe about where we all came from and where we were all going after this life.  Take a look at this simple diagram:

My life did not begin the moment my Mother gave birth to me on February 11, 1977.  It didn't even begin on the day I was conceived sometime in the spring of 1976.  I used to live with my Heavenly Father (God) and Heavenly Mother.  And guess what?  You were there, too!  We were ALL there, and we loved being together.  We enjoyed learning new concepts, just like we do here.  There came a point where we wanted to progress to become like our heavenly parents, but we didn't have physical bodies like they do.  We made the choice to have a world created where we could come to receive a physical body and be tested.  More than anything, we hoped we would make it back to live with our heavenly parents again so we could keep progressing and learning.  That's where we are today.  We are all born and we will all die.  I won't explain the three degrees of kingdoms in this post, but I am so grateful for my knowledge that life continues after we die.  We can be with our families forever.  

 

This brief explanation shows the importance each of us play in our Heavenly Father's plan.  He loves us so unconditionally and completely that he is willing to allow his children to come to Earth and go through really hard trials in order to learn heavenly attributes like humility and patience.  Every difficult trial we endure forces us to do one of two things:  become bitter or become better.  Everyone on Earth is our literal brother or sister of heavenly parents and we each wanted the opportunity to come here.  We have brothers and sisters who have not yet had that chance, and the desperately don't want to be left behind!

 

  Bearing and raising children helps us develop our capacity to become like God.

 

I'm a work in progress (a very slooooow work in progress at times), but I'm learning and changing as I mature.  My rough edges are being sanded down as I begin to rely less on my own strength and learn to rely more on my Father in Heaven.  Nothing, absolutely nothing I've done in my {almost} 40 years of life has taught me more than being a Mom to some of the most choice sons and daughters of our heavenly parents.  I tell you, I'm a big screw-up at times, but I must have done something right in the pre-mortal life in order for God to trust me with these amazing little humans.

 

A Christian mother named Rachel Jankovic wrote a blog post titled, "Motherhood is a Calling (and Where Your Children Rank) for desiringgod.org on July 14, 2011.  I quote her words: "[Growing] up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood . . . Children rank way below college.  Below world travel for sure.  Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure.  Below honing your body at the gym.  Below any job you may have or hope to get . . . Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling.  You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps.  It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in.  It is what God gave you time for."

 

I will end with these words from one of our beloved apostles, Neil L. Anderson:

"It is a crowning privilege of a husband and wife who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for these spirit children of God. We believe in families, and we believe in children."

 

 

Healthy sexuality in marriage

To find out the basic beliefs of the Mormon (LDS) church, you will want to review their 13 "Articles of Faith," which can be found HERE.  These are the basic tenants of their faith.  You will notice that the last Article of Faith mentions being chaste.

What does it mean to be chaste?  In the LDS faith, chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage. It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage in thought, word and action.  What are examples of being chaste in a marriage covenant?  Anything that leads to lustful thoughts, words, or actions are in violation of God's command to be morally clean.  First let's define the difference between lust and love:

Lust means to have an inappropriately strong desire for something.
Love means a deep devotion and affection.

See the difference?  This does not mean that sexual feelings are a sin; those feelings are a gift from God that enable a lawfully married man and woman to enjoy a fulfilling level of intimacy that bonds them physically, emotionally and spiritually.

A husband and wife should be completely faithful to each other. They should not think, say, or do anything inappropriate with another person. Flirting with another man/woman, in any way, is not harmless but violates the law of chastity.  Jesus Christ taught:

"Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart," (Matt 5:28).

 Faithfulness in marriage is necessary in developing and maintaining trust and respect.  Any form of adultery or fornication is considered a sexual sin and will require sincere repentance.

What is "normal sexuality" within marriage?

No.  This is a lie that Satan uses to tear apart a husband and wife to try and destroy their marriage. Sexual relations within marriage are not only for the purpose of procreation, but also a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual ties between husband and wife.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the quorum of the Twelve Apostles said:

"The power to create mortal life is the most exalted power God has given his children....

"The expression of our procreative powers is pleasing to God, but he has commanded that this be confined within the relationship of marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball taught that 'in the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love' (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311).

"Outside the bonds of marriage, all uses of the procreative power are to one degree or another a sinful degrading and perversion of the most divine attribute of men and women" ("The Great Plan of Happiness," Ensign, Nov. 1993, 74).

Can Mormons use birth control to prevent pregnancies?

 

Yes, but contraception is not to be used selfishly.  There is an expectation that if you have the ability to bring children into the world and raise them, you should.  LDS members are encouraged to obtain an education, a stable job, and be self-sufficient.  At the same time, members are discouraged from waiting until the 'perfect time' to have children because there is no 'perfect time.'  Children will always bring with them a great level of sacrifice.

LDS.org states: "  Decisions about birth control and the consequences of those decisions rest solely with each married couple. Elective abortion as a method of birth control, however, is contrary to the commandments of God."

Why do Mormons have so many kids?

Some Mormon families may have 10 children while other families have no children.  Were these families instructed by their leaders on how many children to have? Absolutely not, because the church does not dictate a schedule quota, or interfere in any way with a husband and wife's decisions on child-bearing.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks has stated: "How many children should a couple have?  All they can care for!  Of course, to care for children means more than simply giving them life.  Children must be loved, taught, fed, clothed, housed, and well started in their capactities to be good parents themselves."

Gordon B. Hinckley, the 15th president of the LDS church, once said, "The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity.  But he did not designate the number, nor has the Church.  That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord." 

Young Adulthood

While Mormon children are still learning the alphabet and figuring out how to tie their own shoes, they are also singing songs that teach them about the future they should desire.  When they sit in church on Sunday, they will learn songs with words like this one that teach them about their cultural ideal of marrying in a Mormon temple:

"While I am in my early years,

I'll prepare most carefully,

So I can marry in God's temple for eternity.

Families can be together forever

Through Heavenly Father's plan."

Mormon youth are taught that true happiness comes from following the guidelines God has given us, which include staying "morally clean" [abstaining from sexual behaviors] before marriage, getting "sealed' [married for time and all eternity] in the temple, and raising children.  This concept may seem foreign to much of the world in this generation. 

Isn't it best for couples to live together as a "trial run" before getting married?

The trend of living together prior to marriage has skyrocketed over the past couple generations, yet numerous studies have found that cohabitation before marriage actually decreases the likelihood that the marriage will last.  Cohabiting couples also have higher rates of depression, partner physical violence, child physical violence, and sexual violence.

About one-half of cohabiting unions are formalized through marriage and cohabitation is now the modal path of entry into marriage. However, the evidence is remarkably consistent that premarital cohabitation is associated with poorer marital quality and higher levels of marital instability and divorce (e.g., Booth and Johnson, 1988, Dush et al., 2003, Lillard et al., 1995, Smock, 2000, Teachman, 2003 and Thomson and Colella, 1992).

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints states: "In the world today, Satan has led many people to believe that sexual intimacy outside of marriage is acceptable. But in God's sight, it is a serious sin. It is an abuse of the power He has given us to create life. Sometimes people try to convince themselves that sexual relations outside of marriage are acceptable if the participants love one another. This is not true. Breaking the law of chastity and encouraging someone else to do so is not an expression of love. People who love each other will never endanger one another's happiness and safety in exchange for temporary personal pleasure.  When people care for one another enough to keep the law of chastity, their love, trust, and commitment increase, resulting in greater happiness and unity."

With divorce rates so high, why risk getting married?

In 2014, for the first time, the number of unmarried American adults outnumbered those who were married.  Meanwhile, only 30 percent of Millennials say that having a successful marriage is "one of the most important things" in life, according to the Pew Research Center, down from even the 47 percent of Generation X who said the same thing in 1997. Four in 10 Americans went ever further, telling Pew researchers in 2010 that marriage was becoming obsolete. [source: Brooke, J. (2006, May 04). Home alone together. New York Times (New York, NY) Retrieved from http://sks.sirs.com]

It's true that about 45% of all marriages will end in divorce, but that number is much lower for Latter-day Saint couples who marry in the temple (see this article: https://www.lds.org/church/news/marriage-remains-a-reliable-indicator-of-health-happiness?lang=eng). 

Russell M. Nelson, an apostle in the LDS church, explains the importance of marriage for Latter-day Saints:  "“Marriage is the foundry for social order, the fountain of virtue, and the foundation for eternal exaltation. Marriage has been divinely designated as an eternal and everlasting covenant. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership with God.” (“Nurturing Marriage,” Ensign, May 2006, 36).

 Why do Mormons tend to get married at such young ages?

This chart shows the increase in age at the time of first marriage for both men and women in our nation since the 1960's. 
 

Now let's see how the divorce rate has increased since men and women have delayed marriage until they are older when they may be more financially stable, have finished their college educations, or have "sown their wild oats" for many years:

It doesn't appear that delaying marriage is increasing marital happiness.  The average age of Mormon youth has not increased nearly as dramatically in the past 50 years because they have beliefs that some may see as being old-fashioned.  Mormons believe there are 4 purposes for our lives here on Earth:

• Receive a physical body.
• Exercise agency and learn to choose between good and evil.
• Learn and gain experience that will help you become more like your Heavenly Father.
• Form family relationships that may become eternal.

Finding an eternal companion and raising the next generation is one of the fundamental reasons that we are having a mortal experience.  To Mormons, success in family life is more important than any other accomplishment.

Besides the social dynamics that show the importance of marriage, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believe that marriage and parenthood are essential for happiness because our families on Earth are patterned after the family we belonged to before birth.  Mormons believe they can be united eternally when they are sealed in temples, so they can be with their spouse and children (as well as the generations that came before them and will come after them) forever.  When seen through an eternal perspective, the challenges associated with marriage and parenthood are far less likely to result in a dissolution of the family.

I recommend you read THIS talk, which goes much farther into detail about both the social and religious viewpoints held by Mormons.