Honoring Vows

What does 'fidelity' mean?  

Fidelty is synonymous with loyalty.  I love this paragraph from focusonthefamily.com:

"Nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to begin an extramarital affair. Infidelity begins in the heart and mind. By the time a person physically commits adultery, he or she has been indulging for quite some time in progressively more intense mental and emotional affairs.  Likewise, marital fidelity begins long before marriage. It begins as a promise we make to ourselves to be a person of faithful character before marriage ever enters the picture. It is a promise we make to our future spouse when we get engaged, and it is a vow we make to our spouse when we get married. Marital fidelity is a daily commitment to seek the best for your spouse and family."

Physical infidelity involves any physical intimacy outside of the marriage relationship. Sexual sins are an abomination before God because, next to life itself, the ability to create life is one of the greatest gifts that God has entrusted to His children. It is a sacred power only to be used within the bounds that God has set—total abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity afterward. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter unity.  Emotional infidelity usually occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.

Mormons can't possibly expect to only be with one person for their whole life, can they?

Ideally, yes!  This doesn't mean that all Mormons have only had sexual relations during their lifetime with their current spouse and it doesn't mean that all Mormons are faithful to their spouse.  It means that ideally everyone should get married before any sexual conduct occurs and then to be completely loyal to your spouse after the wedding ceremony.  I was married on a frigid February day in 1997.  I had never engaged in sex with any past boyfriends because I wanted to "save myself" for marriage.  My husband was also a virgin on our wedding night, which meant we were able to explore our sexual relationship without any jealousy or resentment to past partners.  I feel like this is a complete blessing rather than a restriction.  I never have to worry that I'm being "compared" to other partners and we were able to explore our sexuality together without any preconceived ideas.

 {our wedding day - February 20, 1997}

Sometimes people mistakenly believe that sexual relations outside of marriage are acceptable if the couple loves each another, but this is not true. Breaking the law of chastity (which means being sexually pure) and encouraging someone else to do so is not an expression of love. If you are truly in love with someone, you will not put their happiness and safety at risk in order to have temporary personal pleasure.  Couples who care for one another enough to keep the law of chastity experience an increase in love, trust, and commitment, which brings greater happiness and unity. Relationships which are built on sexual immorality often fall apart quickly because there is not deep commitment. Those who engage in sexual immorality often feel fear, guilt, and shame. Bitterness, jealousy, and hatred soon take over any positive feelings that previously existed in their relationship.

What about pornography?  Is viewing it considered infidelity?

Pornography defiles and demeans that which is most sacred and pure—the sacred powers of procreation. It stimulates the flesh and arouses desires in a way contrary to the laws of God. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches:

"Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. It is distributed through many media, including magazines, books, television, movies, music, and the Internet. It is as harmful to the spirit as tobacco, alcohol, and drugs are to the body. Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: “Thou shalt not … commit adultery … nor do anything like unto it” (Doctrine & Covenants 59:6). It can lead to other serious sins. Members of the Church should avoid pornography in any form and should oppose its production, distribution, and use."

Very personal detail here:  a pornography addiction has almost ruined my marriage at times. Pornography is a betrayal, just like physical infidelity.  It brings the same pain of rejection, shame and insecurity.  Pornography use DOES NOT only affect the person viewing it; it greatly affects the marriage relationship as well as the family as a whole.  Pornography in all it's harmful forms should be kept out of our homes.

President Thomas S. Monson said:

"Pornography is especially dangerous and addictive. Curious exploration of pornography can become a controlling habit, leading to coarser material and to sexual transgression. Avoid pornography at all costs.

Don’t be afraid to walk out of a movie, turn off a television set, or change a radio station if what’s being presented does not meet your Heavenly Father’s standards. In short, if you have any question about whether a particular movie, book, or other form of entertainment."

Want to know more about the physically, emotionally and spiritually damaging effects caused by infidelity?  Listen to this talk given by Elder Holland.  This is an address he gave at a General Conference titled, "Give Place No More for the Enemy of thy Soul."  It's one of my favorite talks of all time.

"Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.  Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity . . . We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God."  (The Family:  A Proclamation to the World)